How to Give Advice and Not Be a Jerk.

A lot of my friends have been having trouble lately with (usually unintentionally) rude people, being judgmental, controlling or superior as regards issues in their friend's lives. So here's a handy guide for giving people advice about their life problems:

"I am so sorry that you are having [problem]. Your feelings on it are totally understandable and valid. Would you like to discuss it?"

If no, DROP IT. Change the topic immediately.

If yes, actively listen. After speaker has finished: "If you would like to hear it, I have some advice on [problem]."

If no, conclude with "What can I do to make your life better?" and offer hugs/cake.

If yes, proceed: "I have experienced/heard about/looked up [solution] that in my experience has/is said to work well. I completely understand that this may not work for you, after all, I have no way of knowing how this is effecting you individually, and there is no such thing as a 'one size fits all' solution to [problem], nor am I an expert on [problem] or on your life. I hope that you are feeling the love and support of those around you, and I would like to know what I can do to make your life better." Then offer them hugs/cake.

Later, when following up: "How did my advice pan out? How can I support you further?" or "I see that have not taken my advice. Good for you. Going your own way can be very difficult, but takes a very strong person."

Offer hugs/cake.

Now, friends, I am truly sorry that there are so many people that struggle with how to address these situations. I also realize that this advice may not work for you. But in my experience, I have had excellent results with this method, as it tends to make people feel acknowledged and loved. I understand if you chose not to take it. I just want to make your lives better. Would you like a hug and/or cake?

My Fight with Microsoft

I am in an epic battle with Microsoft.

Long story short: my computer stopped running, and when I upgraded Windows (which, please, don't get me started) it logged me out of the Microsoft account it forced me to create while setting up my computer. Because of this, my Microsoft Office Suite stopped working. When I tried to reinstall, it refused because it had been previously installed under my account. But when I tried to log into my account, I found that I had forgotten the password. And since I was pretty pissed off about them requiring all of my information and making me link several of my accounts (like Skype) to that account, I gave them a bunch of fake information. As I've struggled to regain access to my account (using all the information I can think of that I could have possibly given them) I was finally transferred to "Microsoft Account Agents" which turned out to be "Microsoft Escalation Agents" which is key word for "Soothe Yelling Customers While Doing Absolute Squat". The first one just sent me a link to a forum for an issue completely unrelated to mine. After about 7 communiques, I sent this: 

"Hi,

Okay, it's very obvious that there's nobody who's actually read ALL of the communications, just people jumping to conclusions about what I need.

Please tell me if there's any way to use the copy of Microsoft Office, which I own and paid for, on my own computer, without logging into the idiotic Microsoft Account that I was forced to sign up for and was supposed to make my life "so much easier".

PLEASE DO NOT, like so many of your colleagues parrot the "why don't you fill out the form that you've already told us is impossible because you do not possess enough information to make it work, despite the fact that every agent along the way has said that Escalation agents can fix things other people can't". Please actually address the issue at hand. 

Thanks." 



Their reply was less than helpful.

Since then, I have written, but not yet sent, the following, as I know that it would be the end of even an attempt of helpfulness on their side. And yet, I'm still considering it:

"Hello again,

Thank you for coming to the question I asked at the end of your previous message. Had Microsoft not been so keen to collect all our information and passwords (doing your bit for the NSA), maybe it would have considered not requiring us to link accounts so that you had a nice snapshot into all facets of our lives. It certainly is convenient for me to have all my personal information in one place so it can be viewed more easily. 

It is a bit astonishing to me that, having agents specifically set aside to work with user accounts, the only way for aforementioned users to get any help is through an automated system. Especially considering that, no matter how many times I fill out said form, it informs me that I do not have enough information to complete my request and it would like some more. And yet, no matter how many times I yet again follow the helpful instructions left by the website and your colleagues, I simply do not have additional information to fill out. In fact, I avoided the account like the plague in an effort to put some distance between private life and digital spying. I suppose it was stupid of me, but as you can probably guess by my alternate emails (I believe they were something to the effect of "don'thaveone@yeahright.com") I did not take the application form very seriously, as I have yet to discover what need an email provider or corporation can have for all of the information necessary to steal my identity. However, I do suppose it also helps quite a bit for your bottom line, as it appears that I will have to re-buy Microsoft Office Suite due to a forgotten password. I'll admit, that's the type of thing you think you only have to do once per computer. Apparently now, I'll have to pick up a new set any time I log out.

I do admire your dedication to make sure that only the confirmed owner of the account gets access. Of course, your refusing to confirm an account makes this difficult. It is certainly a tricky business when the automated (and apparently only) confirmation system is not functional. If only there were someone who could help.

All the best, Me.

P.S. Thanks for the tip about copying and pasting. It's almost like I'm past of the stage of 'computer beginner'. In the 1980's.

P.P.S. It occurs to me that we are having difficulties because you are trained to soothe with shouty people but not to do actual work. Any chance I could speak with someone in User Accounts, who perhaps actually works with computers?"


And brief PS to all my readers: DON'T YOU DARE tell me that I should have bought a Mac. Nobody likes someone who gloats after the fact!

PPS (and yes, Mom, this is meant for you) if I do send this letter, it will mildly edited.