How to Give Advice and Not Be a Jerk.

A lot of my friends have been having trouble lately with (usually unintentionally) rude people, being judgmental, controlling or superior as regards issues in their friend's lives. So here's a handy guide for giving people advice about their life problems:

"I am so sorry that you are having [problem]. Your feelings on it are totally understandable and valid. Would you like to discuss it?"

If no, DROP IT. Change the topic immediately.

If yes, actively listen. After speaker has finished: "If you would like to hear it, I have some advice on [problem]."

If no, conclude with "What can I do to make your life better?" and offer hugs/cake.

If yes, proceed: "I have experienced/heard about/looked up [solution] that in my experience has/is said to work well. I completely understand that this may not work for you, after all, I have no way of knowing how this is effecting you individually, and there is no such thing as a 'one size fits all' solution to [problem], nor am I an expert on [problem] or on your life. I hope that you are feeling the love and support of those around you, and I would like to know what I can do to make your life better." Then offer them hugs/cake.

Later, when following up: "How did my advice pan out? How can I support you further?" or "I see that have not taken my advice. Good for you. Going your own way can be very difficult, but takes a very strong person."

Offer hugs/cake.

Now, friends, I am truly sorry that there are so many people that struggle with how to address these situations. I also realize that this advice may not work for you. But in my experience, I have had excellent results with this method, as it tends to make people feel acknowledged and loved. I understand if you chose not to take it. I just want to make your lives better. Would you like a hug and/or cake?

My Fight with Microsoft

I am in an epic battle with Microsoft.

Long story short: my computer stopped running, and when I upgraded Windows (which, please, don't get me started) it logged me out of the Microsoft account it forced me to create while setting up my computer. Because of this, my Microsoft Office Suite stopped working. When I tried to reinstall, it refused because it had been previously installed under my account. But when I tried to log into my account, I found that I had forgotten the password. And since I was pretty pissed off about them requiring all of my information and making me link several of my accounts (like Skype) to that account, I gave them a bunch of fake information. As I've struggled to regain access to my account (using all the information I can think of that I could have possibly given them) I was finally transferred to "Microsoft Account Agents" which turned out to be "Microsoft Escalation Agents" which is key word for "Soothe Yelling Customers While Doing Absolute Squat". The first one just sent me a link to a forum for an issue completely unrelated to mine. After about 7 communiques, I sent this: 

"Hi,

Okay, it's very obvious that there's nobody who's actually read ALL of the communications, just people jumping to conclusions about what I need.

Please tell me if there's any way to use the copy of Microsoft Office, which I own and paid for, on my own computer, without logging into the idiotic Microsoft Account that I was forced to sign up for and was supposed to make my life "so much easier".

PLEASE DO NOT, like so many of your colleagues parrot the "why don't you fill out the form that you've already told us is impossible because you do not possess enough information to make it work, despite the fact that every agent along the way has said that Escalation agents can fix things other people can't". Please actually address the issue at hand. 

Thanks." 



Their reply was less than helpful.

Since then, I have written, but not yet sent, the following, as I know that it would be the end of even an attempt of helpfulness on their side. And yet, I'm still considering it:

"Hello again,

Thank you for coming to the question I asked at the end of your previous message. Had Microsoft not been so keen to collect all our information and passwords (doing your bit for the NSA), maybe it would have considered not requiring us to link accounts so that you had a nice snapshot into all facets of our lives. It certainly is convenient for me to have all my personal information in one place so it can be viewed more easily. 

It is a bit astonishing to me that, having agents specifically set aside to work with user accounts, the only way for aforementioned users to get any help is through an automated system. Especially considering that, no matter how many times I fill out said form, it informs me that I do not have enough information to complete my request and it would like some more. And yet, no matter how many times I yet again follow the helpful instructions left by the website and your colleagues, I simply do not have additional information to fill out. In fact, I avoided the account like the plague in an effort to put some distance between private life and digital spying. I suppose it was stupid of me, but as you can probably guess by my alternate emails (I believe they were something to the effect of "don'thaveone@yeahright.com") I did not take the application form very seriously, as I have yet to discover what need an email provider or corporation can have for all of the information necessary to steal my identity. However, I do suppose it also helps quite a bit for your bottom line, as it appears that I will have to re-buy Microsoft Office Suite due to a forgotten password. I'll admit, that's the type of thing you think you only have to do once per computer. Apparently now, I'll have to pick up a new set any time I log out.

I do admire your dedication to make sure that only the confirmed owner of the account gets access. Of course, your refusing to confirm an account makes this difficult. It is certainly a tricky business when the automated (and apparently only) confirmation system is not functional. If only there were someone who could help.

All the best, Me.

P.S. Thanks for the tip about copying and pasting. It's almost like I'm past of the stage of 'computer beginner'. In the 1980's.

P.P.S. It occurs to me that we are having difficulties because you are trained to soothe with shouty people but not to do actual work. Any chance I could speak with someone in User Accounts, who perhaps actually works with computers?"


And brief PS to all my readers: DON'T YOU DARE tell me that I should have bought a Mac. Nobody likes someone who gloats after the fact!

PPS (and yes, Mom, this is meant for you) if I do send this letter, it will mildly edited.

Why My Therapist Is Better Than Your Therapist.

Today, my psychologist quoted Star Trek to me. Not just quoted--made a full Star Trek analogy for what was going on in my life. When I told her how brilliant it was, she said "Really? They almost never get the Star Trek references."

She obviously needs more patients like me.

Doctor Who Poses Unusual Questions

So, I just finished watching Dr Who The Unicorn and the Wasp (hysterically funny for fans of Agatha Christie, by the way), and I have to say this: if the person who I loved, really and truly, more than anything, revealed to me that he was in fact a giant insect who had taken human form to "learn about us" I would kill him.

I wouldn't be able to help myself.

All ye space insects, ye be warned.

Really, in the words of Allie Brosh--another brilliant author who swears a lot--specifically regarding spiders:

"Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!"  Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders.  But that's exactly the point.  Spiders have families and their families are also spiders."

Why I Wore Lingerie to My Colonoscopy

Yes, the parade of doctors have yet to find a reasonable answer, so they assured me that the next step in the chain was a colonoscopy.

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU READ ON, YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.

Now, thanks to these health professionals, I have had my nether regions poked and prodded by all sorts of people. I used to think a pap-smear was weird and gross. Now all I can say is "at least things are SUPPOSED to go up there". #1 on the List of Places I Don't Ever Want People's Fingers To Be? Answered last month, and a week after that, and a week after that...

So back to the colonoscopy. I of course realized, when they informed me that my lower intestines were going to make their film debut, that we had only two options for costuming here: either Alien Abduction Victim ('cause I was getting probed) or Prom Night (since my butt was losing its virginity). I was leaning towards Prom Night since it was more fun, but it was settled when I realized how down I've been on myself lately. I am disgusting quite a lot of the time because I just feel too tired or gross to make an effort. And really, I don't know of anything LESS sexy than a colonoscopy. So this was my stand. I may be doing something totally gross, but that does not make me any less of a sexy, sexy, brick-house senorita.

Now, even I am not crazy enough to post a picture of myself in lingerie on my blog, but let's just say that it was medium blue with white polka dots and red ribbons. And that my roommates got to get into it by going with me to get manis/pedis so I could have matching nails. And that I finally got to trot out the 3 inch, net, red heels I've been saving for a special occasion. Ditto the perfume and lotion. I felt like a million bucks.

That was of course before the night before. I feel like it needs to be its own title: "Stay tuned for The Night Before!" After some pretty fabulous advice from my only colonoscopy friend, I booked a night at a hotel, so I could have my own bathroom while the preparatory purges took effect (and brought toilet wipes. Would have died without the toilet wipes). Of course, I was so little looking forward to this stage that I decided to just eat less. Which means I spent from Sunday to Tuesday nights not eating. It's a miracle that everyone survived. But back to the hotel: at first it wasn't so bad. Cable tv, squishy bed, private (and connected) toilet. But the funny thing about laxatives are, they don't stop when there's no more food in your stomach. I began to curse the fact that liquid had ever been invented. I poured out the bottles of soda/water that I had bought "to ensure that you do not suffer from dehydration". I have never been so up close and personal with my stomach acid, and I puke a LOT. There's a sweet little note on the prep sheet: "if irritation is a problem, simply spread some Vaseline on affected areas". If you ever read this and think, like me, that this must not be a problem for most people, have someone hit you in the face, and bring the freaking Vaseline. Believe me.

Fast forwarding past the "Holy *?!#$%, what am I going to do?!" moment, I made it safely to the waiting room the next morning, though, due to check out times, I arrived 3 hours early. Please note, if you ever have to pick somebody up from a colonoscopy and you bring food into the waiting room, you are THE BIGGEST JERK EVER.  Never before have I appreciated what a nicotine addict feels when someone lights up near them. I felt like all those descriptions of vampires hunting by smell and had multiple visions of myself leaping at them, teeth bared and claws extended. Then I went to the restroom to get away from the smell and salivated at all the lovely tap water that I couldn't drink anymore.

When they pulled me into the room, I like that the nurse totally got my rationale of doing un-sexy things in sexy clothes, though she made me change into the paper shorts anyway (after I saw how they had torn them, I was kinda glad she had). They tried to find my veins for forever (ha! good luck with that when I've been off water for 12 hours!) while the doctor tried to find the suitable words to describe the sedative they'd be using. Finally I just looked at him and said "Happy Juice". My happy juice worked wonders at first (spinning rooms are fun) but then they kept asking me to turn over while pumping air into my colon and I all I could think was "PLEASE HEAVEN NO! MY INTESTINES ARE BURSTING!". In fact, the sedative didn't work at all after the first few minutes, particularly not when they were ripping the SIX (count 'em) biopsy samples from my bowel.

After a recovery time that I was completely awake for, they set me down in a room with a cookie basket and told me that I had no tumors. Would have been better news if I hadn't proceeded to throw up the two packets of chocolate cookies I just ate.

Oddly enough, today the sedative was in full force. I had a mild case of couch-lock as I tried to get up this morning (ie. mind on, everything else off). I also understand why they tell you not to use any machinery (including kettles) or sign any legal documents or checks for the next 24 hours (so does my Amazon account. Do I really need that blender?).

Wasn't that bad of an experience, really. I mean, cameras are less invasive than fingers. Still, not wanting to ever do that again.

Update (not interesting)

So I went back to that hospital from last time to hear the analysis of my blood test. If they get any worse, there will literally be a camera following Michael Scott around. I expected Eric Idle or John Cleese every time a new doctor walked out.

On a side note: Rose macaroons=Big-time loser. Ew. On the other hand, almond marshmallow was nice.

It's snowing, and for the first time ever, Tottenham is pretty (and I love getting all sassy and screaming "Cause that's how we DO it in Tottenham!").

So far I love my classes a lot.

Just reread Northanger Abbey: good insight for the super young/immature.

I want to take ribbon climbing classes.

I get to see Sarah (my sister) in Minnesota for half-term! Mexican food, here I come!

On a similar note, Qdoba: You may want to get the nacho cheese ready, cause I'm buying the tub.