Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax...

So, in case you haven't heard, my throat started swelling until it pretty much closed. They checked for strep, which it wasn't, so they gave me some Prednisone and told me to go home. It's helping (breathing neither hurts nor is difficult anymore) but adding 3 pills to my daily routine made me look back and realize how many meds I'm on.

There are good and bad things about being on meds. 

Bad things include: 

     When I go on a trip, I spend so much time making sure I have every one of my meds that I usually forget something pivotal, like my contacts...

     Just one more thing to remember to do morning and night.

     If I forget them, even for one day, I'll start getting nervous and angsty without knowing why (until I remember).

     They're a big expense EVERY MONTH (at least mine are).

     Sometimes they make me feel broken.

     Some people have very bad reactions to hearing about them (avoidance, gossiping, thinking you're crazy or asking you when you're going to be "healed").

Good things include:

     My body is now incapable of retaining excess salt! (No bloating for me :D )

     In fact, the only electrolyte my body can retain is potassium, which, since I hate the evil bananas, is a good choice!

     When I'm having a really bad day, I put on sunglasses and a head scarf, swig those pills back and pretend that I'm Bette Davis.

     They work. More often than not.

     To expound: They help me to feel like a normal person. If I'm freaking out, I know I have them.

     I can feel proud of myself for solving problems without using them. And being proud of yourself for NOT doing something is great! No physical effort required.

    

I heard that it usually takes 19 years for a person with OCD to get the proper help. My first cognizant symptom was when I was 3 years old. I realized that something was not normal and I was not okay when I was 16. I got diagnosed when I was 21. I got medication when I was 25. I'm still working on the exact science today.

If you think you might have mental health issues, just know that my way took much too long. You're not the only one. And I find it very freeing to be able to put a name to the problem.

Sometimes I can be very difficult because of my illness. For example, I will freak out if you say "I'm so OCD!" like it's only people who like neatness. Sometimes, something small you do or say will activate one of my triggers and I will be rude because my OCD's telling me that there is a threat. I may say something, or I may just have to leave immediately. Sometimes I will write you emails/call you to apologize for something ridiculous after a long time, because I've decided that I mishandled it, or was in some other way wrong. In fact, sometimes when I'll apologize, it'll sound like I was making everything up before, because I'm judging myself so harshly that I don't want to leave anything (even a passing thought) out. Change is hard for me. Even taking a vacation can be difficult. Working on somebody else's schedule can be hard for me. I will get strangely upset and sentimental about things that really shouldn't be that important when I feel like I'm losing control of a situation.

I appreciate your support and friendship. It's made me so happy even when I wasn't able to show it in a way you understood. I appreciate concessions you make for the things that I'm dealing with, even if you don't really understand those things. I especially appreciate those of you who have talked to me about your own issues so I know I'm not a total weirdo.